RAMBLINGS: 28 and still not quite sure.

I have been feeling 'lost' for a very long time now. In fact, ever since school ended, I feel like I have been 'floating about'. School was easy because everything was planned for you. You completed this level, took an exam and moved on to the next. Some people hated how rigid and boring that was but adulthood seems to have too much freedom for me. I enjoy my job but that's about it. It's just a job (I'm not talking about the relationships/ friendships that come out of my job. But what my job actually is.). I love teaching JC Mathematics (I sincerely find it very cool.) but it ends when I come home. And I really have zero desire to climb the ladder (Which involves doing a lot of stuff that doesn't include teaching.), which I guess is the reason why I find myself in a very disposable position.

There are things that I want to do, but they are risky and I'm not much of a risk-taker. I'm scared of failing and I'm scared that if I went all out and I failed, I would have wasted a huge chunk of my life and I would be too old to rectify anything. But I also know that if I carried on with this road, I would die very sad.

I know how much this sounds like a spoilt kid with a first world problem. I do know, so I'm really sorry but this is my space. And I'm going to use it to figure out what I want to do with my life. Also, I'm not really a figure so I still can be a little selfish. Heh.
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Where blogging is concerned... It has always been a huge part of my life. But there was a point when I felt that all my daily ramblings were frivolous and switched to writing about beauty. Then, I got all caught up in the whole beauty-blogger business and I felt like I 'lost' myself even more. And this is why I haven't been blogging much and why I'm penning this down now.

I want to write again. No matter how frivolous it seems to be, this is my space and I want to write for myself. I want to embark on all my little projects again and I want this space to be a journal of all my little 'messes'.

So yeah. Like what P told me, do what you want but make sure it's from your heart. Here's to courage, more courage and even more courage. x

RAMBLINGS: Quarter of a Century Old.

last night with my favourite-st people, before Cher leaves for Dublin.

I wanted to write some sappy story about me spending another year on earth but I haven't got the time? Haha. I half-welcome my new age; 24 wasn't a really good year for me (#questionablelifedecisions, you see? A term coined affectionately by Lennard, who laughs at all my 'tragedies', and will be used to death from now on. Umm, no. Hopefully, no more 'tragedies' please.) but 25 is really quite old... Mmhmm. Anyway, I felt really loved today and I'm going to hold every message very dear to my heart. (':

As per tradition, here are my goals for the coming year:

• To always stay very happy and optimistic.
• To do JC Math with one eye closed (HAHA.).
• To do teaching that inspires.
• To spend more time with my family and friends.
• To be more disciplined and independent.
• To shave off 5 minutes for my 3km run (Insanely long way to go. :\).
• To complete Grade 1 for piano?
• To split on both sides.
• To maintain a neat room for at least 6 months consecutively (This is a tall order.).
• To prioritize better.
• To mope and whine less.

And to stay with God and thank Him everyday. (:

P.S.: For the way overdue styleXstyle's August The Little Black Beauty Box Giveaway, a big congrats to Josephine, Felicia and Xgg! I'll be emailing you ladies tonight. :D

RAMBLINGS: Departures and a grey Saturday.

Today means that I am down to the remaining month of my (extended) education. God knows how bleeding long I have waited for this. (Okay. Just to interject, my front door just swung open, by itself. It's the wind right? RIGHT?!?) This journey has been so much more than I bargained for, not just in terms of school but also, in my own personal life. (Okay, the door just swung shut. And now, it's slowly swinging open.) I'm getting fiercely protective of my own independence now and I wonder if I will die alone.(The leaves outside are swaying. It's definitely the wind.)

But anyway, this morning I woke up with thoughts of departure and no, it isn't the first time that I realized. But each time the fog of those thoughts starts taking shape, I buried it with life. So I guess, this is quite possibly the first time that I'm properly thinking about it before it actually happens? Departures are going to be 'my thing' now. It started out with 3 months last year, graduating to 10 weeks (Or a year? Let it be a year please.) this year and eventually, it's going to be a 2-year cycle (Or one and a half.).

I love what I'm doing (I still have so much to work on though. :\ So incredibly thankful to have such a splendid mentor!) but I wonder if it's going to be too emotionally draining. I don't want to be numbed to departures because I refuse to accept them as a way of life. But fact is, they are a way of life. In whichever profession you are in, in whatever that you are doing in your life. Just that mine's going to be a regular cycle.

Sigh pie. I still remember my previous class so vividly and sometimes it gets a little 'difficult' sitting in the classroom that we used to be in and knowing that the little moments won't happen again (I know, I'm very melodramatic.). And I really want to be able to help them when the big As come. Even now, actually. And when I think about my 2 current classes, I kinda just want to bawl my eyes out really badly. Like now. I'm SUCH a girl, damnit. *buries head*

It makes me wonder how thick a line I should draw between this being just a job or something that is so, so much more. And if this is going to be so, so much more, what is going to happen to my own life? Another story for another morose day. This, can never be just a job. Okay, the grey Saturday is doing my head in. Seriously. May 9th, whether I like it or not, will come eventually and I will deal with it... Eventually. For now, I'll just rack my brains for ways to make Math easy.

And really, I can choose to look at the whole situation from a completely different angle. They are growing up, are moving on to the next chapter of JC life and becoming more independent, thinking, mature and responsible along the way. They are going to be MORE than awesome. *beams* #myclassesareTHEbest #nooneelse

Am currently feeling like such a Mother Hen. Or a Sister Hen. Mmhmm.

Also, am feeling very glad and relieved that I didn't go into nursing... Or dentistry (Epic failure. Still feeling thoroughly embarrassed. Most bimbo-tic moment of my life. In front of 3 friggin' professionals. Thinking about it makes me cringe. Ground, swallow me up. NOW.).

RAMBLINGS: Grandma's Recipes

Earlier this year, I was involved in a little cooking project and it was the most amazing experience ever. It's my 3rd time on set but you know, this time I had a much bigger role to play. Heh. And I was really fortunate to have a chance to work with Li Lin, who was the director of the shoot (Psst! She directed Toggle Originals telemovie, 'Hong Baos and Kisses'.). And if Jenson hadn't recommended me, this wouldn't have been possible. Thanks so much, Li Lin and Jenson! :DDD

Before this entry starts reading like an Oscar speech, I just want to thank everyone who has been visiting this little space of mine. I'm in my final week of school now so it has been assignments and presentations, one after another. A tad insane, but it's ending soon. I promise to blog more! In the meantime, I have been pigging out, keeping a pictorial journal of my journey to the land of fats and writing reviews (That are pretty harsh. I'm so sorry! I know my standards for food are unreasonably high! :\) on Instagram. So do follow me here @charlenejudith. :D

Till my assignments end.

RAMBLINGS: Oh, Tory! And life in random.

Last month, I received my first 'proper' paycheck and when Shopbob had 20% off, I went slightly off the bat and got myself 4 Tory Burch earrings, 3 of which are in the same designs. I kind of wanted to shoot myself in the foot after that but

I love the Tory Burch logo very much (Even though I did use to think it was ugly.).

They were 20% off. Each.

They were low in stock.

Yes, I make the perfect consumer indeed. But look!!! Isn't the pair above pretty? See how the gold catches the sunlight and reflects it?

Oh gawd. I sound like a friggin' magpie.
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Since work started full-time, I have been crazy preoccupied and haven't had time to be with my thoughts. And the fact that I haven't completed a book in ages makes me feel like I'm degenerating as a human being. Sigh. Besides that, there are also the ten million and one things that I want to do (Procrastination and staring at the ceiling included.) but haven't even got started. Nevertheless, I'm very grateful for all the current goings in my life and I thank God that my job has things like June and December vacations and protected leave.

Where my hobby is concerned, I'm accepting fewer assignments because I'm trying to explore other interests (None of which involve cooking or baking or anything that has to do with heat.). I have a bunch of films I want to watch, a camera to master, ten million comedians to get acquainted with and books that are begging me to save them from silverfishes and ugly yellow spots.

I sound melancholic but I'm not, really. I mean, today, I convinced the sister to end her 4-year relationship with messy curls and go straight. And I have the best-est soul mate I can ever ask for (On a side note, (': ).

Mmhmm... I guess I've become a stranger to my own thoughts.

UPDATES: Out of school!

Hey Muffins (: I haven't written an 'Updates' post since like forever but not-so-recently, a (huge) chapter of my life ended and I thought I just write a little about it. As gleaned from the title, I'm officially out of school (Well, kinda.)! Yay!!! :DDD University wasn't exactly smooth-sailing and I'm really glad to be out of it. But university gave me many things and one of them is this little space of mine on the net. This space has brought me so many friends (Massive hugs for Juliet and Fel!) and opportunities and I'm crazy thankful for it everyday. (:

Offline, university gave me M (Who tries so hard to make me happy everyday. (:), a better understanding of my family, a fab once-in-a-lifetime internship experience and of course, a-mazing friends. :D And yes, also a degree and a means of survival. Haha. If everything seems a little too condensed... It's meant to be. Haha. I tend to go on forever when it comes to such entries so I'm really restricting myself here. Heh. Just wanted to give thanks to everyone and everything that has happened in my life thus far. (:

Anyway, yes, back to the little blue box! When I got back from Taiwan, the siblings surprised me with a little blue box as my graduation gift! My heart sure was feeling really warm and fuzzy that night. (':

And this was the perfect gift! Ever since I watched 'Sex and the City', I have wanted my own 'Carrie' necklace. It seemed a little silly to get my own since it's supposed to represent 'love' and 'friendship' so yay! :D And I didn't even mention it to the sibs, making this a more-than-perfect gift! :DDD

I'll be opening a whole new chapter come March 25th. (: Wish me luck!

P.S.: I contributed my very first article on GlamAsia! Click here to read! :D

RAMBLINGS: Interview woes.

'There is no right or wrong decision, because at the time when you made the decision, you'd thought it was right.'
- Yuanshi

Got the above quote from Ariel's blog. I'm hoping that it will bring some sort of a comfort to my poor soul because I didn't think carefully before I answered one particular question yesterday. But sigh. 16 hours on and I'm still beating myself up over it. I feel like I have let down Starbucks, the incredibly nice lady at the 'parent' company (Because in a way, I'm representing her. *buries self in embarrassment*) and myself.

Note to self: Think before speaking. Have a still heart. Do not worry that you are boring the other person (The ONE thing that's always on my mind whenever I'm talking to anyone. Sigh).

But oh wells. It was a good experience. After all, that was my first time being interviewed by such a huge company.

Alrighty. *thumbs up and spastic smile* :DDD Have a nice day! It's FRIDAY! Wohoo!!! :DDD

RAMBLINGS: Cinderella much, aye?

Amidst the many trips to Facebook and Twitter, I'm finally done with Chapter 4 of Stochastic Processes. Now all I am left with is Chapter 5... And the other modules. Still, I'm pretty chill about it (Which is precisely why I am here and not scrambling to choke myself to death with absorbing and hitting theories... Which hold no meaning to me right now until midnight, I suppose.). Haha. It's probably because this is a big improvement from last semester, when all I did in the first 6 weeks of school was to keep up with my dramas. *pats self*

Or it could be because very recently, I was enveloped by a small pink bubble of quick glances, wide smiles and biting of lips. And I'm still in it.

Please don't pop.
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If I could, I would love to be a barista. Starbucks, of course. I pull the perfect shots all day and make perfect foam. The shots flow like honey, the foam fluffy with sweetness and I work the machines like how the gracious gentlemen do in Italy. I talk to customers and live vicariously through them.

When it hits 5, I hang up my green apron, play Lena's 'Touch A New Day' over and over and do crossword puzzles on the sub. I steam chicken and throw in lettuce, red, yellow, green capsicums and sweet Thai mango into a wooden bowl and dust them all with black pepper and have a cold shower. Sometimes, I will make Chinese soups. Lotus root soup, yum.

I watch the news, I read, I draw, I doodle, I write, I sing, I dance, I paint my nails and then, take them right off because you can't have your nails all dressed up in a F&B industry. Then, I head to my room that's infused with rich lavender oil and occupied by a huge-ass bed that's soft like pureed clouds.

I clean the apartment every other night.
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It's too bad that I love money so much. But I suppose I would be bored to death too.

And it's back to the books for me. But first, enjoy. (:


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EDIT// Okay, my happiness bubble has been popped. I have a midterm next week! I thought it was taking place after recess. Oh, woe!

RAMBLINGS: The C word.

C for career.

For the next couple of weeks, there's a laundry list of talks organized by banks to attend and J.P. Morgan's gonna start the ball rolling tomorrow at 6.30pm. I'm, or rather I was, reading their website and I got really excited. 'First-class business in a first-class way', I like that. But the more I ventured into the powerhouse, the smaller I felt.

Who the hell am I kidding?

Seriously, Charlene.

RAMBLINGS: In Search of the Singapore Spirit

Hey! :D I'm kinda bubbling with happiness at the moment! Heh. Back in June, I went for a few auditions and got to do 2 filmings. Heh. The first one is for an Okto programme and the second is for the National Day Celebration Film for 2011, 'In Search of The Singapore Spirit', commissioned by National Heritage Board. (:

'In Search of The Singapore Spirt' is produced by Room G Pte Ltd, with Phillip James Dunn as the director and Gloria Tio-Dunn as the producer. It was great fun working with both the cast and crew! Everyone was incredibly nice (I met 2 other NTU students on set!) and it was wonderful to meet Zachary Mosalle!

Anyway, here are the very beautiful trailer and film! Start watching to find out what the Singapore Spirit is! :DDD

P.S.: I appear for like 2 seconds in the early part of the film. Haha. But it's absolutely fab to be able to 'do something' for Singapore, even if it's minuscule!

RAMBLINGS: Take 3!

This is my 3rd attempt at writing my happenings for the past 2 weeks. I don't know how much to let on and how much to keep to myself and hopefully, forget in time to come. Haha. I'm going to say this in the briefest way possible because I'm also really knackered at the moment.
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It is my intention to do something new every summer. So I have worked at a school bookshop, been a barista, taught kids, babysat, did administration work (Which I absolutely abhor!), promoted beauty products and worked as a beauty assistant at Sephora. This summer, I thought I try acting. It was a really spur of a moment thing. I didn't have a portfolio so I sent in photos taken at events.

In the span of less than 2 weeks, I have gone for 5 auditions. Insane, I know. Especially when I have zero background, save for some class plays (Which obviously do not count.). I don't know where I found my guts to go for such stuff, really.



I got rejected for a polytechnic student's final project, got a role in an Okto programme, scored a small part in a Mediacorp project which got cancelled yesterday but was only notified today, right before another casting (I'm insanely upset about this one because it was a role that I was pretty sure I could do good in. )': ), will have a small part in the National Day's video and am waiting replies for 2 other projects (Which I really have no hope in because I was literally shaking. BIG SIGH.).

Okay, I need to breathe.
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Anyway, I had my filming for Okto today. I had like only 4 lines to say and I had to act bimbo and cute. Lol. But I'm insanely grateful to Aisyah for giving me this opportunity and GUESS FRIGGIN' WHAT?!? I GOT TO SEE BENJAMIN HENG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *jumps up and down* And I even got to look at him directly in the eye and stuff. Yes, yes! I had a scene with him (Together with 2 other girls.). Seriously, my life is complete. COMPLETE!!! *throws confetti*



And just because I'm a makeup fanatic, I got to try on MUFE's foundation, which is a real classic! The MUA used M.A.C's Warm Soul on my cheeks and I know he used an Estée Lauder mascara on me, which made my lashes flutter like mad but no way am I going to look into high-end makeup (Yeah, like NARS isn't... *rolls eyes*)! He didn't know what to do to my hair, so I ended up looking like the above. And I was supposed to be a potential wife... Pedophile much? LOL.

But anyway, thank goodness I forgot none of my lines!!! I didn't fumble and hopefully I displayed the right expressions. Fingers crossed that the final product will be okay and my face doesn't look fat and puffy and my eyes don't look puny so that I look like a complete China product (My fringe was straight, no thanks to my stupid decision to have my fringe cut the day before.) and and... And I don't know what else. The main thing is... I GOT TO SEE BENJAMIN HENG! *has a fangirl moment* But I was cool. I hope. I GOT TO FRIGGIN' LOOK AT HIM DIRECTLY IN THE EYE!!! *self-combusts repeatedly*

Okay, chill. Charlene, chill. *SQUEALS* Okay, chill. Actually, I AM chilled. I'm too tired (And upset.) to be hyped up actually.
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To celebrate who-knows-what, I finally ordered the Juicy Couture Heart Logo Diamante Stud Earrings!!! I have been wanting this for the longest time! But they cost £54.00 initially and could only be shipped to the UK. Now they are £33.00 and only can't be shipped to the States! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! But alright, there is totally no justification whatsoever as to why I should have them. Hmm... In replacement for a trip overseas? Sigh. I choose going overseas! But my friends are either doing their internship or saving up for their graduation trips. SIGH.
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So yes, here ends my entry. I have been very tired and it's all showing on my face. Can you believe it? It's the hols and I have the worst complexion ever!!! Ughhh!

I'll be having breakfast with Dor tomorrow, meeting ZT after that for a 'photoshoot' for my blog and then, that's the end of my Sunday. Monday's brunch/ lunch is going to be spent with Chua and Michelle. Tuesday's the filming for the National Day video and then, it's gonna be blog entries and more blog entries. Oh yes! Hui Ping's returning tomorrow so I foresee many 'chillax' days with her. The sister is coming back on Wednesday!

Alrighty. Nights y'all!!! OH OH! 'True Blood' returns TOMORROW! It has been so long!!!

RAMBLINGS: As busy as a bumble bee.

The past 3 weeks have been literally INSANE. At the start of each week, I'm like "Oh dear. I need a job. I really need a job. I have all this free time!". But then, I find myself in a pool of appointments and I have to cancel on a couple of friends (I'M REALLY SO INCREDIBLY SORRY!!!).

Things that pop up at the last minute used to irk me because I like things planned... To know what the next minute is going to hold. But I'm starting to be agreeable with 'surprises'... Or 'shocks' since I'm very volatile, emotionally.

But, but, but... Then, it comes to a question of keeping 'promises'. Well, I didn't exactly promise to meet up with anyone (Who promises to meet people?!?) but you know...
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Anyway, I did try to find a job. I sent my grades-heavy CV (Because I haven't really got anything else. Oh yes. I've got a string of part-time jobs under my 'Work Experience'. But they are like Promoter, Beauty Advisor, Barista, Tutor... Things that won't lend me a job in the corporate world. I'll do fine in the circus though.) to some companies in Week 1 of my hols and ZILCH. I have heard NOTHING from them.

I spent most of my Week 1 and Week 2 blogging. I was churning out 2 entries everyday. It was like 'Wake up. Breakfast. Blog. Bath. Blog. Lunch. Blog. Gym. Dinner. Blog. Sleep.' and it went on every day. And I guess I am kinda burnt out.

Hence, Week 3 has largely been spent on crying. HAHA. Okay, I'm not miserable. It's just that I have been watching idol dramas, one after another. I complete one drama in a day so... I sleep at 4am and because the sun shines right into my room and I like it this way (To be woken up by the sun.), I wake up at 8-9. And thanks to Hazeline Snow, my face still looks okay.

Of course, my eye bags are pregnant once again.
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Anyway, this week has been even MORE insane. I have gone for like... Well, I'm going to have my 4th 'interview' today. I'm trying to bash my way into an area which I have always wanted so desperately but... I don't even have the guts to tell anyone what it is. Well, I did tell 3 friends but you know, I guess what I want is something that everyone else wants. Except those people who have got it. *rolls eyes* (Inserts some Chinese idiom about people who are bathing in happiness but do not know it.)

I'm trying very hard at it but gawd, I get so nervous and I fumble. And before every 'interview', I'm like "Charlene. Think: You're the star of the world. You can do anything. TAKE A CHILL PILL!!!". Yes, I do literally say that out loud. In the loo. HAHA.

BUT guess what?!? Yesterday, I got a call and I got a job! It wasn't the one which I was being 'interviewed' for (And dear gawd. You would have guessed what I'm talking about by now. I'm dying to tell someone about it because I'm bubbling with excitement. But yes, I'm also feeling quite surreal simultaneously. But anyway, I don't know of any friends who read my personal blog. Unless they are silent readers. But no one likes wordy posts. So... I guess I'm still okay. Heh.) but YAY!!! :DDD I'm still waiting for their email though. I'm so afraid that they will be like "Uhhh. Sorry, we made a mistake. We don't need you.". :\

But whatever it is, it has been a very fab week, though an extremely jittery one too. But if I do more of this, I'll probably get used to it and you know, just rock and roll.

And there are so many 'but's in this entry. But (There I go again.) I'm typing out whatever that's in my head and in my head, English grammar doesn't exist. Just words. And a lot of love from Joe Cheng (And for pete's sake, he friggin' looks like Shi Xian in the long-drawn old-auntie show, '爱 (Love)'.)! *starts squealing*
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I'm going to start on another drama and I'm meeting my bestie for a dinner at Xin Wang Hong Kong Café!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

There are more dates next week. I feel like I can't breathe already but as morbid as this sounds, it's a nice kind of 'suffocation'. (:

(I don't socialize a lot because I think that the more people you get close to, the higher are the chances of you ending up in a sobbing mess. A really important lesson I learnt in junior college. But it gets to me sometimes. But but but then, I don't really need like a thousand close friends. I just need those buds whom I really appreciate and who appreciates me back. LOVE.)
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//EDIT: 4th 'interview' has been postponed to Monday. I swear I'm going to include prune juice in my diet from now on. Gawd. I hope they won't call and say they have found enough people. ):